Why haven’t I posted since January? In a word (& to get straight to the point)… ‘DEPRESSION.’
The introduction of a certain medication for PCOS – (which I’ll write about at some point), has played havoc with my body/mind… the worst side effect being depression.
I’m pretty much an EXPERT with regard to all things anxiety & panic-related. Depression, however, although I have experienced bouts over the years, is a relatively untried beast. Where anxiety is rapid & sharp, depression is slow & blunted. It creeps in steadily, like water filling a barrel. Once full, the weight becomes unbearable & the person feels fatigued and numb. That’s the worst part (for me anyway). I can’t feel anything. I’m stuck in a void.
How do I know that I’m depressed at present? Because… well…. I don’t care…. about ANYTHING. My second book is coming out in May, (one that took me 18 months to write & is potentially the best thing I’ve ever written)… & I don’t care. I recorded the audiobook last week… I don’t care. I haven’t interacted with family & friends for a week… I don’t care. There’s champagne in the garage… & I don’t care. (This one is especially alarming)!
To clarify, when I say ‘I don’t care,’ obviously I do in a logical sense… but I can’t muster any of the relevant emotions. Everything feels robotic. I’d cry if I could, that would at least be a release. But I can’t, I don’t feel anything… except tired, I’m so tired.
Still, like any fog, I’m confident that it’ll clear soon. I can still work and function, which I don’t take for granted. I can also still laugh, which is my favourite form of therapy.
For once, I’m not taking such a dogmatic, proactive approach to healing. Instead, it’s nice just to be honest, without asking/expecting others to help. I’m not pretending to be fine, but neither am I lying.
I’m taking a month off the medication and generally just being kind to myself.
Other than that… i’ll just keep swimming.
My new book F**K I THINK I’M DYING is available to pre-rder now. Click to view.