Thank you all for your comments. I don’t really consider myself to be a writer, (neither did my school English teacher)! But writing stuff down is definitely helping me.
After the success of the last piece, Claire asked me to write something again. So here we go.
As far as the void goes I have good days and bad days. The medication is helping and so is being back at work. I like to keep busy. I don’t even mind shifting bricks in the rain at the moment!
I’ve had to address my problem with alcohol. It’s weird, because I wouldn’t consider myself to be an alcoholic, because I don’t drink during the day. Not like those people who have whiskey in their coffee. But as the doctor pointed out, I do drink every night. I need it to sleep. I went without for three days and I was awake most of the night. I couldn’t relax because my body was rigid. At one point I even had palpitations. It was really scary. Was I having withdrawal or something?
As I said, I don’t like talking about alcohol, because it makes me feel ashamed. I’m not a piss head who can’t hold down a job and drinks two bottles of vodka a day.
But I do like a few JD and cokes in the evening. I suppose it just chills me out and makes everything go numb for a while. The doctor suggested that I go for a run in the evenings instead, which I’ll try. Although it doesn’t seem as appealing!
I tried Nytol (an over the counter sleeping tablet), for a while. That did the trick but I felt drugged when I woke up. Took ages to snap out of it, which can be dangerous in my job. Plus I’d just swapped one substance for another.
In a way, I feel like I’m being punished. I’ve got depression and have been told to cut out the one thing that helps. But I suppose there’s no point sulking about it. I believe the doctor when she says it’s making me worse overall.
As for the sleep issue I’m going to start getting up at the same time every day, even on weekends. It’ll be hard, but I’m willing to give it a go. Hopefully by the time I get home from work, eat and have a run I’ll be knackered!
Thanks again everyone for your support.