Change

Dear all you wonderful, crazy, strong and loving people,

I need to apologise massively, because I feel like my usual efforts and enthusiasm towards the blog hasn’t been up to scratch lately.

Truth is… there’s been a huge change in my life (NO i’m not pregnant). A woman tends to have to make that disclaimer before making an announcement. Although fair enough, I am married now…. and yet I still REFUSE to become an adult.
The big change is… **drum roll please** Dan and I have moved to Bolton! (Basically a part of Manchester, for non-northerners). Bolton is my hometown and to cut a long story short, we have an opportunity to live at my parent’s house for a while. This is literally the only way that we’ll be able to save for a deposit for a house in London. In this current climate, with rent being what it is, unless I suddenly become a famous pop star (not likely, although the shower tells me otherwise), or Dan gets a 20k pay rise, then we’d be stuck renting forever. So we made the decision to move back to my home *COUGH free rent and £1.60 for a glass of wine in most pubs… COUGH.** In fairness, that’s not the only reason, (but it helps).

We actually moved the day of the terrorist attack at Manchester Arena, which was devastating. In London, you almost get used to such things, desensitised in a selfish sort of way…..  But NOT my home and NOT kids. I can’t deal with that. I was literally sobbing.

But I digress, as usual. The move has been positive. It’s been lovely to be amongst my oldest and best friends. As normally I get an evening with them tops if I’m visiting. The air is clean, the water is crystal and my entire family are here. SO WHAT’S MY F**KING PROBLEM?!!!!! I moved here three weeks ago and at first I settled in just fine. Yet change has always been a sneaky and cruel mistress with me.
There’s so much history here and I don’t mind admitting that many unhappy years were spent in this house, when I was poorly and didn’t know what I was dealing with. I can only presume that my brain is reacting in the only way it does well VIOLENTLY:

Symptoms so far: 

  • Waking up abruptly in cold sweats
  • Stomach cramps and muscle tension. Tension as if it feels like my fingers having been through a grinder.
  • Nausea and dizziness
  • Those pesky and relentless negative thoughts such as “you’re going to break again.” “Nobody really likes you.” “You’re going to fail.”

Anxiety is great huh? And yet, still massively underrated. But I’ll save that rant for another time.

Rationally speaking, I know it’s CHANGE that has triggered all this. A huge change for anyone, let alone a person with mental illness. Unfortunately, anxiety doesn’t tend to respond to anything rationale.

I’ll deal with it, I always do. But I wanted to offer an explanation to my readers for the lack of content recently. It’s nice to not have to make up some bullsh** excuse. I’ve been suffering with my anxiety.

There are exciting things to come. Which I bursting to tell you all about, but can’t quite yet. Watch this space tomorrow…

Thank you all as always for your support. xxxx

It might be grim up north… but fortunately I have an umbrella or two.

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5 Comments

  1. sammy
    June 11, 2017 / 6:06 pm

    hang in there! you are doing great because you recognise what is happening.
    i’m the same with change, i take my feelings back to past experiences (does that even make sense) but that’s not now, that time has gone and we are the stronger for it.
    moving is a big change, and it is normal to feel unsettled, i always try to give my anxiety symptoms little respect, easy said then done i know, but good to try.
    wishing you well 🙂

  2. Jellycat
    June 11, 2017 / 7:52 pm

    Well I’m not a well-travelled man – trips to the fridge and back are my limit but I know Bolton is famous for Peter Kay and he cheers me up when the blues are visiting. I see you’re holding an umbrella in the photo, is it ‘spittin’ ? That’s a Peter Kay joke for ya for free ;).

    That’s a huge change you’ve made there and no doubt responsible for your anxiety. I hope it gets better soon and I’m sure it will :). It is a demon when it hits though, I know, but we’re all here for you and each other. Just know, some of us (me!) may not be so good with words but we can listen (read) and sympathise with you, you’re not going to fail.

  3. Jessica
    June 11, 2017 / 9:11 pm

    Hang in there, I’ll be with you in spirit at 3am; I’m having similar night sweats having just gone back to work from maternity leave. We can do this chuck xx

  4. June 12, 2017 / 12:29 am

    Bolton sounds so nice. London I am sure is so impersonal. The grass always seems greener on the other side but the truth is that it is what you make it. Stick with it and make peace in your spiritual home, easy to say and hard to do. Best wishes and be happy!

  5. Kelly Shirreffs
    June 12, 2017 / 4:51 am

    Your a strong girl Claire.
    Your doing great.

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